I don't think she's reading my emails! ;-)

Maria has written back, and it would seem she's not reading my emails! How rude! She didn't address any of my issues. I was very curious about her views on fly mutilation. *sigh* Oh well, at least she did write:

====
Hello my friend Dave. I'm sorry about the delay again. But there a car accident with my my girlfriend Katerina. She was hit by drunken driver. She was crossing the road and the car throw out her. Fortunately she disposed of light injures. I'm glad that everything went well. She feels much better now.. Ok, enough about it.
How is your day? Lately I watched a TV and there was a proframme about Halloween. I wonder, do you have the holiday which is the most sweet? My favourite holiday is New Year and my birthday. I told already you that my B-Day is on the 10 of August and I will be 29 and I guess it will be not in my country because I will come to your country for living and working. Did you ever heard about working between countries for exchange? People from one country work or study in other country and people from other country work or study in first country. This is program which allow to work and live in country what you want but the education (for working) or direction of education (for studying) required. I want to remind you about my situation. I told you that I will come to north america (united states or canada) for living and working. I hope you remember about it. I'm an anesthetist and I prepare for examination for having job outside my country. There is an agencies in different countries all over the world which work with different agencies in other countries. So agency from my country make all papers for my job and when I'll complete all tests and exam I will come to place in north america.. I will choose the place in agency and will work and live there because employers will give me the financial support provided to the needy and I could live. The exam will be soon and they told me that I will come because many people all over the world do this things and I'm the very good specialist in my speciality. Now I will finish my work in russia and prepare for coming. I guess it will be after 2-3 weeks when I complete all procedures and get all papers for coming. I heard that americans are good people but I know that there are many bad or good persons in any type of nationality and country. I guess that you are Dave is a good guy and I will be very glad to know you better, hope you are too! Now I want to tell you a little more about me and my life. As I told you I live in Yarega city and I was born here also. It's a small town in the Russian province. I live with mother because she is alone and my father passed away as I told you already in my previous email. I have a grandmother also and she is 78. She lives not too far from me and my mother. Her name is Lubov, do you know the meaning of russian word "lubov"? It's "love". Hope I could teach you some russian in the future if you want of course. I like to cook when I'm at home and I can cook many dishes and I hope one day you could taste my borsch (eastern european soup containing beets and cabbage and other ingredients) or my pilaf (middle eastern dish made from seasoned rice with meat or fish). I want to tell you why I decided to become an anesthetist. When I was young and learned in school all pupils think about profession when they finished school, college, university. I decided to become a doctor but when I finished the school I still wanted to be a doctor but there are many professions in medical direction, so I decided to be an anesthetist because the mother of my girlfriend is an anesthetist also and she said that this kind of speciality is very perspective and a good anesthetist could earn much money, could earn more if job will be in developed countries and this speciality is very helpful for people all over the world. So I decided to become an anesthetist and I'm sure it's the right choice. I could do any type of an anesthetist's work and it's very imoprtant because I have the possibility to work in any place and even in europe or north america. I will finish my work after 2 weeks because I will have the examination before my coming. After examination I will buy the ticket to New York for coming to the agency which will give me the job. It will be the place where I will choose the place to work. I'm sure it will be soon. Maybe I could meet you Dave? It will be great! You know, I'm not very good in computer and I have never used the messenger program before, do you know how to use it? If you have any questions please feel free to ask, ok?
Your Russian friend Maria

P.S. I've attached a recent pic for you! I hope you'll like it!
====

I have to admit, I didn't really reply to her email last time, so much as just write about myself. Perhaps she was trying to tell me that *I* was being rude? (Woman are so circuitous!) So I made an effort to reply to her properly this time:

====
Maria!

How nice to hear from you. My boils always shrink a bit whenever you write, from the excitement I'm sure.

Sorry to hear about your friend Katerina. When I drive drunk, I'm always very careful to avoid the roads. I usually drive through people's yards, parks, and graveyards. It takes longer, but I think the added safety is worth it.

I love Halloween! I like to dress like the Statue of Liberty and tell everyone they can huddle with my mass. Most people don't get it, so I rarely get in trouble. Have you ever been in jail?

You'll be 29? That's funny, since I'll be 92 this year. What a pair we'll make! Have you ever changed adult diapers? I ask only out of curiosity...

>> If you have any questions please feel free to ask, ok?

Thank you for this. What's your blood type? Personally, the taste of AB blood puts me off. I hope you're not AB.

Have a great weekend, Maria. I hope you never catch leprosy -- it's a bitch!

Laters,

Dave
====

Think she'll read this one, and reply to it? Golly, I sure hope so. My diapers need changin' like nobody's business!

NOW I'm havin' fun!

My dear Amanda/Maria/Masha apparently doesn't take "no thanks" for an answer. It was only two days later that she sent me this message:

====
Hi Dave. I'm sorry that I did not answered fast but I thought your reply will be not so fast also. Please tell me do you want to exchange emails often? Everyday? I could email you everyday and tell you more about me. I hope you will tell me about your life and your country also so I want to tell you that if you will write me short notes or few words I want to forestall you Dave that I will appraise your short email as you do not interested. Please be honest with me, please be open and if you feel that you don't want to email me and you are not interested please tell me this thing in this minute when you think about it, ok? I will not take displeasure because it's your choice but I will be very glad if we will continue our talking. I hope your emails will tell me about your life and it will not be short. I want you to know that I hate a lie or an affectation so please no any games or tricks because I'm really serious girl and I'm not looking for senseless chatting, I'm medic and I'm really want to find friend or more because I will come in your country. I know that there are many bad people in this world especially in internet because they believe in their impunity because nobody can't see them. I know that there are many spam and autoemailers in internet so I'm careful. I believe you know about this things. I'm real girl and believe you are real as well and your emails to me will not consist of few words. I've read that there are many criminal persons in internet also, they thieve money, asking for help, sell fakes. I've read in newspaper about this things. The governments of many countries catch this kind of people and put them in jail. I really can't understand why people can't work and earn good money in this world. I hope I will because I'm going to work in country where my speciality valued more than here in russia. I told you that I will come for living and working in my previous email. I know that the people usually live in city or in the country. It's interesting to live in the city but living in the country is more peaceful, so I don't know where is better in your country, please tell me? I will have all papers for it because my education is over and I decided to build my future in good country with good wages. Dave, what do you think about it? I have selection for coming in united states or canada, I have selection in states also. I don't know where I will work but I can choose it. The salary will be approximately the same so I don't know where to come. If we will be more close in future maybe I could come in your city or near your city and we could have possibility to meet, who knows but I guess it's real thing. I don't know anyone from your country and I havn't anyone from my family there so your advises will be very actual for me. I don't know where I will live but I'm sure I will decide. I don't know the date of my trip now because I'm waiting for papers. I will get the visa and many other papers soon and I guess my trip will be after few weeks. It will be great! There are many employers for good specialists in your country and there are many companies which allow to live and work in your country. It's the business and the ability for good living for people all over the world. I'm professional anesthetist and I will use this chance because I want to live. I know that many people all over the world take this way so I will also. So I can live in the place where employers can give me my work. And there are many places in your country. I will choose the place after few weeks and will come for living and working. Now I want to tell you more about me. I'm 28 years old and my birthday is 10 August, so I will be 29 in this year. My height is 168 centimetres it's about 5'6' and my weight is 55 kilograms it's about 121 pounds. My father dead 3 years ago because of cancer, his name was Andrey (my middle name is Andreevna) and he was 59. My mother's name is Svetlana and she is 58. She support me in my choice and she is very good woman! I love my mother. I loved my father. I do believe in God. I'm Christian, russian orthodox. I havу no brothers and sisters, I'm the only child in our family. I'm living in Yarega town. It's in Komi region. I attached the map so you can see where is it. I'll attach a new picture of me in my next letter. Actually my pictures were taken by my girlfriends and I have two girlfriends, do you have many friends? I hope you have another one now! Do you know the time difference? I have GMT +3:00 (Moscow time) here. What is your time?
I love pets especially dogs and cats. I like many colours but the blue as sky is my favourite. When I have free time I like to listen to music like eurodance, pop, rock and many other kinds because I'm sure there are many great music in different styles. I have a hobbie also, it's playing in tennis. Do you know Maria Sharapova? She is a russian player and she plays tennis very well. So I play in free time either. Do you know this game? It's my favourite sport also. I like to watch movies and the last I saw "16 blocks". Bruce Willis is the main hero and I like this actor very much. What is your favourite movie and actor/actress? I hope you can understand now that I'm a simple girl, a girl who like the warm weather and warm relations. I had one love in my life but it was not mutual so it's not started like relations.. I have never been married but I hope that it will happen in the future. I don't like russian men alot because they are lazy and drink alot. I do not drink and smoke, I lead healthy style of life. I hope you like my email and I hope you will write me about your life and your thoughts. I will wait for your reply.
Hopefully your new friend Maria.
====

This email is amusing because she's almost like a reverse horoscope. Rather than saying vague things that I'm supposed to say, "Yeah, that's me!" about, she instead says vague things that are supposed to make me say, "Hey, we're compatible! *I* like movies and pop music!"

But by this time, the jig is up. I know she's scamming me, so I figure I'll have some fun with it. I wrote her back:

====
Hi Maria,

I live in a cardboard box behind a grocery store. I use the library for internet access, as well as for the bathroom facilities. Do you have a bathroom where you live?

I enjoy pulling the wings off of flies, then watching them flap the broken stumps. Do you think they wonder why they aren't taking off? I do.

I should tell you, I only have one arm. And it's attached to the small of my back. It makes typing difficult, since I have to face away from the screen and keyboard. I make frequent mistakes. But we all have our bears to cross, wouldn't you agree?

You mention that you're a Christian. What a coincidence! I am a Druid. I find fulfillment in the worship of trees. Particularly oak trees. When I stare at an acorn, I feel as if I'm looking at the very seed of God. Do you feel the same way?

Thank you so much for taking an interest in me. Let me know before you come, so I can make sure my box is neat and tidy, and at least rat-reduced. Rat-free, unfortunately, is not possible.

Sarcastically yours,

Dave
====

Do you think she'll write back? I think she will, as I don't think she (if she exists at all) is reading these emails. I think anyone that writes back goes into a "wrote back" queue and is sent the next dispatch. Eventually, she'll be asking for some money. Will it be entertaining? We shall see!

More on this story as it develops...

The bomb is dropped!

Up to this point in coming to know Amanda/Maria, I didn't know she was from out of town. Out of country, actually. Fully out of continent, and on an entirely different land mass. To this point, I believed as she'd stated in her profile that she lived about a 30 minute drive from me. Today, she revealed the truth:

====
Hi, Dave! It's me Maria. I have to apologize for not writing so long, but it was a crazy hectic week, and finally it is over! How have you been? I guess when someone close in your area you tend to be more open in sharing about yourself because the possibility of meeting seems to be welcoming but I want you to know I'm not close. Even I'm not in united states, I'm a girl from russia and I've the reason to like to get to know you. I don't want to expect that I'll not catch the reply from you because I received your message on my email and decided to write the answer. I had several profiles on different dating sites like yahoo or match but I havn't now because nobody replied to my profiles. So I deleted it and decided to reply for your message, thank you for the message! I want you to know that I'm common girl and I don't like secrecy and other things like urgency or cant. I want you to know what is the reason of my reply is. All my life I live in Russia and I never be outside of and this is the first reason. I learned in several foundations like school ,college, university and I have professional medical education, my speciality is an anesthetist and I've all certificates and patents for this kind of activity. Do you know how much anesthetist earn in Russia? Sometimes about less than ten thousand or roubles and it's about less than three hundreds and seventy american dollars because one dollar is just about twenty seven roubles. It's not so very bad here but I know that other people earn much more because they have job outside of our country. This is the second reason but I have third and it's not less important than previous two reasons. I havn't any boyfriend at this time, I hadn't husband or serious relationship before because I learned and wanted to be professional medic, now it's time for my job and making family but I don't want to have job here in russia. I want to have it in united states because the salary is much bigger and the country is more better and I will have it very soon because I have the license and my request is in progress. I have the contract already. Hope you understand that I will live in united states and I could choose the place where to live because there are many places where I could work. I want to find friends in united states so this is the reason of my email to you. Can I be friend for you? Are you interested in knowing me? Now little more about me. I enjoy going to movies, beach, parks and other places. I feel I am definitely an easy-going, fun, romantic, open-minded, honest, sincere, and loyal girl also. I hate drama and dishonesty. I wanna go slow and take our time and feel assured that the two of us have made the best choice also. Write me back tell what you feel and if you do wanna still connect with me I think we should talk. I'm really glad we managed to match each other. So on average what do you do to pass your free time? I'd love to hear about hobbies of any kind that really capture your interest. Once again I want to tell you that I will come to united states after few weeks or month so we can be friends and maybe meet in future who knows. As I told you before Maria is my real name, you can call me Maria or Masha for short or familiar. You can write me at sunlightlady@gmail.com. I've attached a picture for you! I hope you will like it!
And I'll be glad if you will send me your recent pics as well!
Waiting for your reply asap, Maria.

P.S. If you are not interested in knowing me, please let me know, ok?
====

Now friends and neighbors, I think you'll agree that this is a beautiful young lady. And though you haven't seen me, you can probably guess that she's out of my league. I thought to myself, "This sounds so much like a scam, I can taste it!" After a little google'ing, I found the text of her email to me on another site. Yep, she's running this little scam for several folks.

I decided I didn't want to play. So I wrote back:

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Hi Maria,

I'm not really looking for "family making" at this stage of my life. I wish you well.

Dave
====

I assumed she'd write me off as a rube that just didn't work out. Apparently, I was wrong. Her next message came only two days later.

Still more teasers, no real message

I waited another week to hear from Amanda, er, um, Maria. Slow is ok with me, but this seems excessively so. And when she did finally write back, it was just:

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Hi there!
It's me Maria again! How are you? I hope you are well! All weekend I tried to compose a long circumstantial letter to you but the time was short for me and I didn't do it. Today is Tuesday and I have got a lot of work so I can't write much again. It's terrible! But I promise that I'll write you a long letter real soon and will send you my picture! I want you to know that I'm really interested in knowing you.

Well, I have to go. Talk to you later.

Sincerely Maria
====

A "circumstantial" letter? Oh well, I think I mentioned she was hot. So I could overlook... well, pretty much anything. Pretty much. I wrote back:

====
Good morning, Maria!

>> How are you? I hope you are well!

I'm snowed in and working from home, but I'm well for all that. I hope the day finds you happy and warm!

>> Today is Tuesday and I have got a lot of work so I can't
>> write much again. It's terrible!

Thanks for taking the time to jot me a note. It was just what I needed to brighten up this morning!

>> But I promise that I'll write you a long letter real
>> soon and will send you my picture!

That will be wonderful, I look forward to it!

>> I want you to know that I'm really interested in knowing you.

Thank you! The feeling is mutual.

Back to work for me. I'll send this on as soon as I can. My internet connection here at home is acting up. So next time it comes up for a minute or more, I'll send this off.

Have a good day,

Dave
====

So the pattern is that she sends me a little nothing of a note, and I -- like Pavlov's Dog -- drool all over it and send her lots more back. Happily, her next letter came much sooner that usual.

At last, she writes back!

After a week has passed, I assume my new found friend Amanda has moved on to greener pastures. But no! She finally wrote back! She wrote:

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Hi there!
I checked my mailbox lately and found out that you wrote me. I have to apologize, but I can't remember who you are and where did you get my e-mail address. From the other side I must admit that I'm quite intrigued and I want to know about you more! I want you to know that my real name is Maria. I never use my real name in the Internet, because I think it is safer to use a nickname. Do you use a nickname? I'll appreciate if you will tell me your real name, since I've told you mine.

Well I'll quit here. I'll wait for your reply with impatience.

Sinserely Maria
====

So, though her spelling and grammar are in question, it would seem that the ball is rolling. Cool! I wrote back:

====
Hi Maria,

I apologize for the tardiness of this reply. Life always seems to happen when you have other plans, eh? ;-)

>> I have to apologize, but I can't remember who you are and where
>> did you get my e-mail address.

You wrote me a nice note on Yahoo Personals, in which you included your email address.

>> From the other side I must admit
>> that I'm quite intrigued and I want to know about you more!

There's not all that much to tell, really. I'm funny, and I make my way thru life on that. I own -- but no longer write for -- a news satire web site called The Bentinel, http://TheBentinel.com You can get half an idea of my personality from the articles there. That spawned a book "88% of Americans Are Abnormal", available at Amazon.com. (Used copies are going for $0.01, if that gives you any idea of how "successful" the book venture was -- LOL!) And I took my first shot at stand up comedy last week at an open mic event. It went really well, I was as happy as I can ever remember being. Much of the time of this past week has been spent going over my act and trying to beef up the stuff that didn't work that well.

Needless to say, writing books that don't sell and doing stand up comedy for free doesn't pay the bills. I'm a computer programmer by trade.

I have very eclectic musical tastes, which is a nice way of saying I like a few dozen songs ever made. I own maybe 150 mp3's and I add one or two to that every month or so. Yeah, musically speaking, I don't get around much. :-)

I'm a realistic humanist. I'm largely comprised of whatever information I can find -- whether I like it or not -- and whatever humor I can find in it.

And you? What would you want me to know about you? What defines you?

>> I want you to know that my real name is Maria. I never use my real
>> name in the Internet, because I think it is safer to use a
>> nickname. Do you use a nickname?

Thanks for sharing your real name with me. No, I don't use a nickname. I'm Dave. My memory's never been what it used to be, so trying to keep track of aliases is well outside of my abilities.

>> Well I'll quit here. I'll wait for your reply with impatience.

Ah, and then I wait nearly a week to reply. Nice opening gambit... real smooth.. :-)

Hope you had a great weekend, talk to you later!

Dave
====

So things are moving slowly, which is fine with me. She seems nice enough, though her word choice is suggesting English isn't her first language. Not that I care, but it doesn't seem in sync with what her profile had suggested. Again, a week would pass before I heard from her again.

So I have a Russian Girlfriend!

Well, ok. Not really. But I'm meant to think I do!

A pretty young woman named Amanda sent me a message on Yahoo Personals. Her profile said she lived quite near me. This is what she wrote:

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Hello, Dave! Are you real? I'm interested in knowing you hope you're too. Can you send me your recent pic I'll be waiting. Here is my email sunlightlady@gmail.com.
====

I was intrigued. Largely because she was hot. But also because she asked, "Are you real?" Wow, a compliment from a pretty girl! I'm set!

So I wrote back:

====
Hey Amanda,

Thanks for writing! [Gee, I didn't sound desperate or anything, do I?]

>> Are you real?

LOL! I hope this was meant as a compliment, 'cause I sure took it as one!
:-)

>> Can you send me your recent pic

I wish I could! The pic that's up on my profile is not too old, but it's not too good either. I don't have a digital camera or camera phone, so I'm a bit out of luck on the sending-you-a-pic score. I'm not wildly unattractive, not fat, not balding, no missing/extra limbs or anything like that. I think I'd qualify as average.

I look forward to getting to know you!

Take care,

Dave

====

It would be over a week before I heard from her again...